how to hold a narcissist accountable

As to the books, you may have missed it but I wrote that I have all the books and have been working the workbook and will continue to do so. My question is, it would be great to rely on someone else (police, doctor, etc) to deliver the bad news to him about his behavior, but the things my husband does are too mild for that. He was a leach and a parasite and I didnt need nor do i want him back. Knowing you got paid in the mean time and you lied straight in my face and told me yeah I bought her the doll she wanted Then when I talked to your ex-wife wishing your daughter a happy birthday asking if she liked the present you sent her. One has treatable BIpolar the other ver narcissistic personality traits. That may not make sense right now but really it is about respect. My spouse left and never said why just left and of course it is all my fault. Being involved/loving a highly Narcissistic person is the most draining, devestating rape of your life, soul, family, work, financials etc. Is it OK though that I gave him time to make a decision and set a time for him to tell me? HE keeps pushing it out and starting to fight and I really need to know what we are doing, IE what my budget will be. It is down to only about 50% of the time being the disordered personality. I hope and pray a good guy will come along for her Because he was ashamed of his failure it was easy for him to be quiet because really he didnt know what to say anyway. 6 Cut off all contact with them if you can. Trying to hide the truth, trying to avoid real intimacy? help me please Kim. It is important to not fulfill any of their requests unless they reciprocate the energy. He did say it would get worse as I started to set boundaries etc., he WASNT kidding. My husband has not changed in fact he has moved on to another woman whom he can control. Reading your post and you said you love him, my heart went out to you because the love will still be there for him. MARIE, If they owe you money, hire a debt collector (if you need to) and step away from the adversarial role and let someone else do the dirty work. These consist of circular conversations, arguments, projection, and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track. Nor did getting a councilor and mental health services involved. Once he stopped the aderall i could see manipulating, the narassium. If there is anyone who can possibly help us with the legal stuff, we would greatly appreciate it. The child is held accountable and encouraged to recognize and understand a feeling . Im wondering if youve looked at all angles? That kind of thinking can unfortunately get people, and especially children hurt. Are you safe? Kim, I look forward to buying your books and learning more. I so tried to help and get help for this man as I have empathy for him because I know he is very unhappy also, but I can do no more for him. It is very important if a partner of someone with NPD decides to leave that they already have a very good plan and have already established effective strategies to de escalate and manage the conflict. Its just he has been so good about making me feel bad if I dont help him out and making it out to be me not loving him. I found that out the hard way after yrs Powered by WishList Member - Membership Software. Was left for me is to accept the real him and stop falling for the fantasy of who I would like him to be. When I noticed them missing and asked you, you lied at first and then came to me later to tell me what you did. This has taken me lots of practice, but as I improve, I feel more and more empowered. Here are some of the things a narcissist is afraid of: Losing control. The letter should be very matter of fact and unemotional and only stress your concern about him. My advice, run! How many more years do I give to a man that proves over and over that hes not going to change? He calls it the 4 Ds of financial abuse: Debt: Every discussion about finances - no matter how mundane - becomes triggering and turns into a panic attack. We made the agreement that we would split the payment and insurance in the meantime so you had a car to drive. 1)- i feel soo normal after reading all this knowing that there are other people like me, knowing why i have become a horrible woman who is vehemently cursing her husband and getting relief from it. I have returned to college studying the medical field, I am on the honour role which opens my eyes to the fact that I am not dumb and stupid like he drummed into my head for so many years. He will do anything to keep his fear a secret. I have not heard anyone talk about sex on this website. The key element here is that I always know when he has started to break that trust, because out of the blue with no reason at all, my NPD starts treating me very poorly, acts evasive etc. I find the advise you offer well intentioned but in my situation my relationship is over. And I am practicing to manage my own defence. Thank you so much for everything! I did and you talked to her on her birthday and I was so glad you made her feel loved. I finally found an article about STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. The means of asking for money at the very last minute, the lack of initiate to look for work, and his explosiveness and blaming when he does not receive money he asks for; has now led me very strongly to believe he is narcissist. Belli. If not, Id highly recommend getting Kim & Steves ebook 10 Steps To Overcome Co-dependence. It disgusts me. Hang in there and keep working through the steps and exercises in the books! This is why we highlight the need for action. He is unwilling to change I have tried to work it our for my kids sake hes a good dad Just a lousy husband or even friend to me and I will be the bad guy if I divorce him because no one sees it or wants to. Dear Kim, I have the book and the workbook and have been working on it. Back From the Looking Glass may be important if he returns and the fighting starts again. Its okay, he doesnt have to believe it. I was with my ex for 23 yrs I tried and tried to support him so we could have an honest and mutually giving relationship I thought I was good at seeing when he was lying but in fact- it was all lies everything the whole relationship. You cannot decide what they will do and if they ask what you want you need to be ready to say, It appears he is having severe withdrawals and if his medication is not monitored more closely I am concerned about what may result.. This is craziness! Im still trying to re-do the past with him and I still try to point things out that he said and did and I still try to explain my behaviors to his abusive remarks and all to no avail. So, in a way, it is a choice. I wish you both good luck . Narcissists are not in touch with their own feelings. Many narcissists lack self-awareness, so they may try to push you to the wall until they find out what they can get away with. There are men out there who also face these issues and not all of them are strait. Understanding who I am will get me through the day . I would not stay next time he is cheating. 3 Set boundaries to protect yourself. They will say that you are the angry one and that you need help,and walk away full of selfrighteousness. Thank you. I thank you Kim for all of your words and information. Trying to Make the Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked. Sorry to rush and also sorry to everyone I havent answered today I have a job for the next few days and dont have a lot of time! He puts on quite a show at times. I dont want them to be the victim or the perpetrator. Narcissists can only play the game they do if the people around them allow themselves to be deceived by their lies. You Hold Them Accountable. Charlie, it really sounds like he is afraid. and we had had a moment together. They Want to Get Noticed Together. He goes overboard with some of this stuff. I really am too frightened. However this individual, who was in my life for 2 1/2 years on and off NEVER said sorry. ANYTIME I complain about anything there is ABSOLUTELY no sympathetic response from him. It made me feel alone too. Within weeks it deteriorated, he became intimidating, coercing, suddenly took over finances, isolated me in a new country etc. Write in a journal, do something good for yourself. Hi Hannah, Yes you are right it will not heal itself. The very first time my friend yelled at me, I have never known such fear in my life of another person. My heart breaks wide-open again because I am not sure what he is trying! If my friend thought he didnt need me, he would be gone as fast I could get my next breath out. I have been married to a NPD for almost 45 years and been with him 48. This creates an environment in which the narcissist is never held accountable and paves the way for the narcissist to escalate and become increasingly destructive. Non sexual but emotional. Thank you again for your courageous letter. Well I wanted to update. If you are trying to hold people accountable for what has happened in the past I would suggest thatinstead you make the decision to forget it. Currently you have JavaScript disabled. He got nicer a week or so. God bless you all. Are they likely to rape you again? Refusing to challenge a narcissist's opinion helps you avoid the risk of being attacked. How do I get her to acknowledge my opinions? Hi DA, Sorry this post has been so popular I havent had time to respond to everyone. Hed rather throw love away (or so it seems) than keep it together by being honest, and being kind. Forget any type of petty revenge you may be plotting; malignant narcissists see all of your emotional responses to them (whether positive or negative) as attention, and they live for that shit. It is natural for narcissistic people to care for the things that they consider worthy, particularly when given a platform to do so. After a while and much anger being vented by both sides we tried to work on it and I immediately thought I had reacted badly and apologized for my slighted messages. My head understands that his efforts and love were nothing but manipulation. He is truly an emotional invalid with little ability to connect. He expects respect. I cant continue this with the emotional scares he is dragging my daughter through as he plays daddy for the last four years then suddenly heads for the hills to go MIA without an explanation. 7) During an argument I lost the necklace that you knew my 11-year-old daughter bought for me the previous Christmas. I hope everyone reading this blog is able to share a genuine laugh or smile today. If you try to hold the narcissist to account for something they've done, they will totally stonewall you as punishment for having the audacity to point out such a flaw. Very subtle and not the sort that you can bring others in on. (exhausted). But my brain knows that this is most likely the beginning of another cycle of hell, though my heart longs for it to be real. Narcissists are afraid of being rejected or abandoned. I couldnt live the lie and we divorced. I do admit that I pushed too hard. Our entire marriage he has NEVER taken responsibilty for anything. that is healthy and will treat her right. Or just the other day, he said he got a call from Monica, a cheque bounced. I could write an encyclopedia too. A lot of friends think he is amazing although a lot of friends see through him now. I really think that Kim & Steves ebooks Back From The Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net Workbooks would benefit you, even with the separation. We separated for 6 months and identified the things we needed to work on in order for her to move back in and us to be a family again. You were lucky. I appreciate your concern but I can put you at easy because one thing that you are not aware of is that I am not and never have been afraid of him physically. That took a lot of courage and self-respect. Unfortunately, as I tried to work on the things we had identified, she fell right back into the N-pattern of denial and assigning blame (all to me, of course). Excessive Demands on Others How depressing that they are so selfish they will not be responsible. Ana. Yet, I hang on to this thing called hope. I know that dyslexics can overcome their disability by sort of rewiring their brains, and can learn to read and write, but I understand that this is a difficult process that takes some time. They intercept a forward progress. And you have a right to your own views and feelings. If you still love him well then give him a chance but you also need to make sure you have rock solid boundaries in place including your money and your time. My husband appears to have pretty strong values, actually, around sexual behavior ie I dont expect that hed easily cheat. Feeling ripped off - if they didn't get a sizeable inheritance. Every step of the way I had guards and boundaries in place. I told him dozens of times I would not put with him spending so much time with her and talking to her on the phone every day, and he says theres something wrong with me that I dont accept their friendship. He confides a lot of intimate things to her first before telling me its the whole emotional infidelity thing. I actually feel like I cant take anymore, and now find myself alone at 60yrs when I thought I would be settled down with someone to spend the rest of my life with. I see our old marriage counselor for trauma therapy and he said he feels my husband has anti-social personality disorder with narciccistic traits. I know that if I just pull a little bit back, give him his own feeling of space he will be fine.. We pretty much all do that but that just adds fuel to their fire and gives them more power.You are most likely a very special person and through your experiences will have developed qualities that some people may never have.To Kym and Steve, I propose a toast for being honest enough to share some very private and personal things so that others may be helped. I would also suggest that you look at the research that is in about porn and how it affects mens health and well being. He was threatening suicide and has a history of using violence against me. He is a little boy on the inside. Says I am a know it all and have too many opinions.He does revenge for things I didnt try to do. Then I will return to my friend and find a little bit more have changed since the last time and I pray alot too. But I cannot pretend things r ok when I am not seeing them ok. Well, we choose USA because of the lesser age discrimination at the work place we are both over 50. Nor was I, when tolerating them, i kept making excuses for unnexceptable behaviour. Photo by - https://pinimg.com. Narcissists need to be the center of attention at all times. Dear Kim, thanks so much for your input. Carry in a recliner with me after I asked you to please help me because it was outside and it was about to rain and you refusing, while sitting on the bed eating pizza. So correction, I enjoy a good material life, but nothing more really. It seems that people like this can move on so easily without a second thought about you or the pain, anguish, and despair they cause to those they leave in their wake.. We also went to counselling, and he pretended to engage and apologize and to own his actions just enough to keep me around. Take care I do believe he misses meand he loves me as much as he is able to love, but this disability is cyclicand I am much too aware of his cycles. I have tried to set the boundaries time and time again. And this already had effects. We would have conversations and he would tell me that I need a spanking, o no. Questions upon questions, leading to more unanswered questions. He just gets louder. But with your advice in my mind, I already managed to stop discussions without threatening to leave him. He really didnt want to go back to work because the chaos narcissists try and manage leaves them exhausted. It used to be about 70%, and in the remaining 30% he would seem normal and nice. In Kim & Steves ebook Back From The Looking Glass there are several examples of how to accomplish this. You are correct that there is no point in arguing but that does not mean he will never understand it was wrong. Hi Cindy, There is advice about how to get him to leave at the end of back from the Looking Glass (-: When my husband would say something similar to that I would respond with I will/can only take responsibility/accountability for my half/end of the situation, NOT your half/end of it. And at times it does work. Maybe if i had not had all the losses and children and could have spent my life concentrating on working on him there could have been hope but i think it is unlikely. Thank you again. Just one question: How to set a boundary if someone is flirtatious in general but you dont know how far this goes? Because for a Narcissist, marriage equals dollar signs. Dear Kim Avery, I am so sorry for what you are going thru.. it breaks my heart! The call the police one didnt work for me. Over the christmas break, whilst my daughter was with her dad, I spent 3 fabulous days with his daughter and him only to find on the last day being rushed out of the house so that he could watch a rugby match with his best mate with no idea when Ill see him again. Thank you for all your supportive emails that inspire me and others. But looking back, I guess Ive loved a few of them and I am just now seeing it. Anyway the aderall med increased and over time he was prescribed a insanely large dose. 12 Ways to Break a Narcissist's Heart 1 Ignore their forms of manipulation. But narcissists do not like that idea. A person doing something in anger or acting irrationally often plays into the narcissist's narrative that the person has . That pain and confusion is enough to drive a person to behave in a way as to not recognize oneself. You need to say that he will need to pay the excess or you will be forced to contact his work (parents) about the claim requesting that the excess be paid out of his pay. I have naturally done everything they tell you to to try to get a glimmer of anything out of him. One new study showed that narcissists can significantly damage workplace team performance. I could do anything and my dad tells me how proud of me he is, while I can't recall my mom ever telling me that for anything I've done. Do you think thats possible? Meanwhile the lunatics are still carrying on the same as before, just with whoever will tolerate them, those poor people have my sympathy. If they knew how much really love them, they wouldnt be so damn narcissistic I thinkbut when your heart cant feel, it does not know when they are being lovedeverything to them is rejection. Your suggestions would probably work with those who have narcissistic tendencies but not people who have malignant narcissism which is a very rare condition. When I speak up he makes me out to be the crazy one! Im burned out on his verbal abuse and lack of accountability, blaming me for his frustrations with how I want things at my house..which it IS, and hes lazy too. Thankfully I never had to suffer that but mental and emotional stuff can leave scars just as deep. If you want to forge a new path you must vow not to get stuck in those endless hours anymore. Even though I should be mad, at this point I just feel sorry for him because I know within his limited ability to, he does love me and is hurting too, but the rollercoaster he rides is just to much. There is no love in the world worth what a borderline narcissist is willing to do to not be healthy and to take you down with them. I think that is why i am attracted to these kind of people. They are experts at playing with feelings and getting what they want, and you are the one who pays while you self-esteem continues to diminish. I texted him saying I wanted to thank him for the wonderful time I had but being rushed out of the house was not acceptable. Now we have to devide property, of course I dont deserve anything, I didnt do as I was told, had too much to say for myself, turned everyone against him and so it goes on and on. We are going to change this? The reverse discard is when you subtly push the narcissistic individual to discard you first so that there is a reduced chance of narcissistic rage or retaliation since they feel they have "won" the break-up. Be the happy person you were meant to be and fear nothing! It amazes me at how his brain works and like to think of it as a mass of short circuited wires that just dont connect to each other. The more sensitive a narcissist is to criticism, the more likely it is they'll become mean, vengeful, and vindictive. You have an amazing insight and Gods wisdom! Harsh, but true. 4) During deployment you asked me if I would be OK with your parents moving in with us because they were going to loose their house. My issue iswhat about false accountability? Also, since it is getting harder to jack with mehe is moving on to our 13 year old daughter. Ive become a new strong women and he has become a new man. From that second I met her I wanted her. It was only recently when trying to find out if the man I love is a pathological liar or not, that I tripped upon information on narcissism. Im very happy that things have worked out in your marriage. My partners behaviour is exactly the way you describe. I simply say thank you for the suggestion,but I got this. Looking back we both use each other for opposite reasons. When he suggested filing before the first of the month so the creditors would not take their payment, I lend you the $800.00 to pay the attorney fees since you did not have it, with the agreement that you would pay me back on the first. 9. I also wonder why you have chosen to avoid his affection in the past? I felt sorry for her. 9) You had messed up your credit so much that I suggested for you to file bankruptcy to get out from under your debt and start over. I dont trust home to not jack this up too! Its perfect in every way. I felt the need to give it to him as part of the seperation process for me. Very simple. But Ann it all depends on the individual. After they are grown you can have whatever unhealthy or healhty relationship you want its your choice. He is already beginning to poison them as punishment or me. During our twenty-eight years of marriage, my husbands manipulation has been very successful in keeping me from many relationships including family, both mine and his. But that is just fantasy. We had a huge fight the other night have not really spoken in 3 days. They changed my attitude not his right away.. There is something in all of the above in my husband.Actually lots! I said that I would speak for him and get the whole world off his back and all he had to do was be quiet and useful and learn what it was like at home with him not around. I am German, he is American and we met and lived in Spain. But I cant call the police, or the doctor, or even the priest, and say my husband said hed call me but he didnt and he got mad at me when I expected him to be sorry about that or My husband laughed at my idea like it was ridiculous. He is also a huge sex addict and turns out he had a secret apt. I have set up a separate account for our bills, what do you think we can do" (this to a spendthrift partner) You Never Beat The Narcissist But once you go there you have lost haven't you? Kim, you also say about leaving accountability to others. I appreciate your indepth understanding, and drive to help others. However, he continued to push and push to see if I would break.trying to get me to act as immature as he wouldso he wouldnt feel inferior.or at least cause me pain to ease his own. Now hes drinking more and loves to stay high. If he begins to blame anyone else or confabulate you need to be ready to end the conversation very confidently and remain calm and in control of yourself. When dealing with the childlike behavior and consequences another good place for practical steps is love and logic. I know he will never be ok and get past this but I can daily handle all his misbehaviors. Because of this its probably best to not even try! 4. 13 1 Sponsored by TruthFinder Have you ever googled yourself? I think it is wise that you talk to him but also be prepared. Hi Michelle, Please contact the help desk on our site (go to http://www.narcissismcured.com and look for a link) or respond to the one of my emails if you are on my list and someone will help you get the books you need.